The freedom that comes with saying 'No'

How do you say 'No' to loved ones?

It's easier said than done.

Especially if what's at stake is a child's future or a relative's health which just might be in crtical condition.

It becomes harder when the tears start flowing or the little type that happens to be your inaanak starts flashing that cute smile. Diyos ko po, ang hirap talaga. Our first instinct, especially as Filipinos, is to reach for our wallet - and if we're short on cash ourselves, call on the nearest friend to borrow so that we can give. And, off the bat, something is already wrong with that line of thinking.

Sometimes, this selfless-to-the-point-of-stupidity giving can become so ingrained in our system that unknowingly, the next request affects us as if it were emotional blackmail.

Over the years, until my emancipation, here are some mental counterchecks I've developed for self-preservation, without burning bridges or turning loved ones into enemies.

1. I ask myself first: should I give at all? There's nothing wrong with saying 'no'. One Christan motivational speaker helped assuage my guilt by pointing out that there were times Jesus Himself did not automatically grant the request of everyone who came to Him (Matthew 8: 18). And there were times He said 'No' to His own family (Luke 8: 19-21).
Another friend also pointed out that by unwittingly playing 'savior,' I just might be reducing the chances of that person approaching the real Savior. Here's where saying 'no' becomes clearly helpful to the one asking.

Where do I draw the line? First, if my giving encourages this person to continue asking, not just from me, but from other loved ones as well. I've become an enabler, encouraging his dependence and, yes, laziness. Giving him would not be helping him - he'd see it a signal of consent to every request he'll make.

I'll never forget the story shared to me by a friend who does interviews for staff recruitment. One applicant had two years of down-time, meaning no activity at all, not employment, not education, not even any attempt in doing part-time work or projects. He just bummed around the house. When asked why he didn't even make an effort at all, the would-be applicant just shrugged his shoulder, "My mom is in the US and supports me. I don't have to work. The only reason I'm here is that because she insists that I find and keep a job."

As you may have guessed, that applicant didn't get that job. He had no motivation, drive, or any sense of purpose. And by an unwitting act of generosity, his mother enabled him.

2. Next, are there other ways to help him beyond giving, like giving some sound career advice (e.g. "Look for a job, man") or showing him leads and opportunities that he can pursue?

As one wise man put it, stop giving him fish - show him how to wield that fishing rod.

3. I'm clear about my conditions - that while I love him, I wil not be an enabler. Saying 'no' is not an act of rejection, it's an act of love.

One relative who I really love like a son was failing in college. The usual distractions like girls and barkada were bringing his grades to an all-time low that dropping out and expulsion were becoming painful possibilities. He had to repeat a semester, which naturally infuriated his parents. Finally, when the thought had begun to dawn on him that his dad and mom may just give up altogether and not finance his schooling, he turned to me.

As I said, I love this boy. He was the first baby I looked after. The first one I took to the movies and the mall. The only one who could enter the inner sanctum that was my room everytime I was in my writer's snit (the other kids were wise enough to stay away).

It was not surprising that he came to me as a back-up.

Without blinking, and totally ignoring the pain squeezing my heart, I said 'No.' "Not until you shape up. Hanggang hindi ka tumino. I won't be a party to you throwing your life - and my hard-earned cash - away. I won't be helping you if I let you continue this destructive behavior."

I could tell that it hurt him, and he never asked again.

But saying 'No' didn't damage our relationship. It didn't even change it. We're still as close as before.

That's another advantage of saying 'No': finding out who really loves and values you for who you are, and not just for what you can give.